Mr Rebates

Mr. Rebates

Friday, December 3, 2010

What an amazing ride!

Thanksgiving was a crazy week.  But I definitely did some reflecting.

I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life at this time.  Those new and old.  For my kids who keep me going and make me realize how blessed I am each day.  My parents who without them I would not be the person I am.  They have made me strong and given me more than I could ever ask for.  My friends who are always there no matter what.  To pick me up when i'm down and celebrate when i'm up.  As Christmas approaches and all the stress that goes along with, I am having to sit back and just take a deep breath.  The dating and love life have taken a back seat to my life, mainly because I am not worrying, just having fun.  Being with people who make me happy and don't bring tons of baggage and drama.  Keeping it simple is key at this point.  Not being afraid to try new experiences has been another big step.  Reconnecting with people from my past has been another hurdle.  Not worrying and just being me..

I'm trying very hard to get into the Christmas spirit, mainly for my kids.  But it's been hard.  Christmas has never really been an enjoyable time for me, even growing up.  But i'm trying to put on a good face.  This is also my last week in my 20's so reflection has definitely been going full force.  What a rollercoaster ride the last year has been.  I'm hopeful for the future where as a year ago, the future was not looking very good.  But I am hoping it's time to start new and hopefully find that perfect person for me, to spend the rest of my life with.  Until then, it's about having the experience and having fun....

Monday, November 15, 2010

having fun....

So this is what it's like to have fun with someone...gee who would have thought.

The past two weeks have been very exciting.  Meeting someone new who is so interesting and we have so much in common.  We've just been having fun with each other.  First date was amazing.  Didn't do anything that out of the ordinary, but it was simple and different.  That's what made it amazing.  Finding someone who actually wants to get out and do new things and try new things is such a relief.  So tired of the same people and the same things.  I could listen to him talk for hours, having an accent helps that too.  At this point we have limited time to see each other but with his work and everything I have, it's understandable.  I'm not reading into it, just having fun.  If it lasts, it lasts.  If not, so be it.  I'm not stressing it.. I'm just having fun. 

Saturday, November 6, 2010

freaking out again..

So tonight I have an awesome date with and awesome person.  Someone who has come at a complete surprise.

So i've been having a lot of luck on a particular dating site.  Talked to several people, not a particular one grabbing my attention, but I was trying to be optimistic.  Then out of no where comes a message, just a hi how ya doing.  And from there it began.  We have emailed, texted and talked everyday. So tonight we are meeting for the first time.  And I am freaking out.  More so because i'm afraid I won't meet his expectations.  And he the same about me.  He is someone who I have always thought I wanted in a guy but I tend to settle for less because i'm afraid I could not live up to their expectations.   I havent felt like this, if ever.  I have completely let my guard down and I never do that, at least not at first.  I'm to the point that I'm just going to take the chance and let it be.  I've been hurt before and lived thru it, I can handle it.  But something about him makes it so much easier.  He makes me feel so special and like i'm the only one in the world.  But my insecurities hold me back at times.  He's foreign,well educated,and is doing very well for himself financially from what I can tell.  Usually poor guys don't drive an Audi. Never been married and no kids, so that's a definite plus.  So no baggage. 

I have such high hopes for this that it scares me. 

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I hate being sick!!!

The adventures of being a single mom.  This has been an exhausting week.  Started with my daughter becoming ill,then Halloween festivities, then my son becoming ill.  And in the midst of it, me fighting off a cold as well.  I've managed to suck it up and take lots of medicine to hinder it so that I can spend a relaxing day at the lake with a friend.  Other than those things, it's been very pleasant lately.  No drama and no stress.  It's no secret I don't handle stress well.  My body doesn't handle it well.  But what i'm finding is that relationships cause most of it.  Whether its because I stress myself out over things or because the other person stresses me out.  I've had some great times the last two weeks just spending time with friends.  No attachments, no bullshit to worry about.  I've met some great new people as well and hoping to spend more time with them, but not getting ahead of myself.  I'm enjoying life right now.  Not having to deal wtih someone else's issues is so relieving. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

my Horoscope

This is my Romance horoscope today:
Your energy with romance has been a little confused lately, Sagittarius, and you may be feeling like you are ready to throw in the towel completely. When it comes to your romantic affairs, this is a period where change is likely, but the timing is wrong if you are considering severing ties completely today. Today may simply be a better day for forgiving and forgetting and letting go of petty grievances. To you these grievances seem fairly large, but when you put yourself in the other person's perspective, you will find the clarity you need to simply move on and leave these issues in the past.The time will soon come when you can gracefully do what needs to be done and move onto greener romantic pastures.


Ok so I severed ties recently with a certain person the other day...Not today so close enough i guess.  I am ready to throw in the towel, but every time I do something happens to give me hope.  I am moving on from the situation that occurred and not dwelling on it.  Remarkably I have no feelings towards it.  I'm not sad, i'm not angry, i'm just moving on.  Realizing it's not worth my time or energy cause there is nothing that can be done to change things.  I should have listened to my gut and knew that things would never be better.  It was like we were going around in circles.  If there is this many issues in the beginning of a relationship then there is no point. 

So in moving on I have made some connections.  Not jumping into anything just making some new friends.  Finding out how small of a world it is.  It takes the internet to discover someone who lives, works or plays right near you.  I'm hoping to make some great friendships out of it, can't help but be a bit optimistic about it.  I've also reconnected with some old friendships.  Discovering that I need to be more mindful of the friendships I have and cherish them more.  Not take them for granted.  I tend to put all my attention and energy into a relationship and neglect the other people in my life.  I need to break that habit.  It's not fair to those people and not good for my relationships either.  Need to find a balance between it all.  Hopefully I will be able to learn that now and focus on my friendships and not forget the important people in my life. 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I can breathe

So another relationship down the drain.  Except this time I wanted this to happen.  Funny thing is everything did work out as planned.  Coddling someone and dealing with their issues is exhausting .  I am so glad this is over and done with.  This feeling of being trapped and sufficating is finally gone.  Why I subject myself to this ridiculous behavoir is just unacceptable.  I'm realizing that I am too concerned with the other person's feelings to pay attention to my own.  So worried about hurting them and their suffering to see my own.  I fall hard for people, hoping for the best, ignoring the things that bother me.  But eventually those things creep up and it's just so hard to ignore.  By that time you are so far in that no matter what you do it's gonna hurt.  But it didn't hurt this time.  No this time I couldn't be happier with the outcome.  I will admit that I was a total bitch at the end, and that's exactly the way I wanted it.  It's obvious that I have personal issues I am dealing with but why is it that every man I find has crazy ex's,baby mamma drama, or are just plain crazy.  I know the type of man I want but i think my fear is that it would be too much work.  So I go after the easy ones.  The ones I know that won't betray me.  Because they are too weak.  There is one person in my life that has been there for the last 10 years, always waiting in the wings.  I've not wanted to persue anything for fear that it would ruin our friendship, but maybe thats what I need now more than ever.  Is a great friendship and not a relationship.  I'm gonna take things easy for awhile and do what I said I would do before.  That is just hanging out with people, meeting new people and living life.  Not putting life on hold because someone suddenly comes into it.  I neglect my friends when I have someone in my life and I need to break that habit.  I need to include everyone in my life at all times.  I need to stop making someone else a priority and make me the prority(obvious all after my kids). 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I just don't know

So I just have some random thoughts.  Not a particular subject to blog about.  But maybe once I start typing it will develope into something. 

I do know that I am unbelievably stressed out right now.  About everything.  About money,my kids,my relationship,and my health.  People want to say that money isn't everything, yeah cause those people have money.  The sacrifices that we have had to make have put a lot of stress on me and the kids.  Me mostly because it's hard explaining to my kids why I can't buy them something.  My kids because it's hard for them to understand why.  My son more so than my daughter.  I try not to say that we can't afford this or that, but that we don't choose to spend our money on that.  But he wants more of an explaination than that.  So i've had to be frank with him in saying that I don't have the money to buy that particular item or why we can't go do certain things.  I hate asking people for help and it stresses me out even more to borrow money from people.  Because I know most likely I won't be able to pay them back.  I've had to turn to the local assistance offices for help.  something years ago I vowed I would never do again.  I made sure that I could take care of us without their help. But I was forced into a situation where I had no choice.  My soon to be ex-husband walked out on us and left me with extremely bad debt and a ton of unpaid bills.  All while I was working a part time job.  It took me 4 months to finally get a full time job, and it's still not cutting it.  Now i'm struggling to find a part time job to work as well.  I went from paying about $40 a week in childcare to paying $205 a week.  So the extra hours and pay barely make up for it.  But I needed a career and needed something full time. I also needed to get out of my old job before I went insane, or more than I am.  I want to start taking courses online but can't afford that either.  I'm going to have to pull my kids out of their extra activities because I can't afford that as well.  So any enjoyment my kids have will be completely gone.  So who is gonna get blamed for their unhappiness?  Me!  Not their fathers, who obviously have no idea what it takes to take care of two kids on your own. Me! I will be the one they complain about in therapy because mommy didn't do enough.  Not their fathers, who send them home hungry because they didn't bother giving them dinner,or made them where the same clothes both days, ignored them to play video games all weekend,promised to take them somewhere but then didn't get out of bed till noon so it was too late to go...

I want to be able to do this on my own and not have to rely on someone else.  But it's getting harder and harder to do.  At this point Christmas is not even going to happen unless by some miracle I win the lottery or get some more help.....

Monday, September 27, 2010

Some people's kids...

I heard my father make this comment all through my teenage years.  My father was good a blaming parents for the issues with their children.  He obviously didn't see what was going on in front of him.  My parents weren't perfect and despite the way my father did things, we knew he did it because he loved us and wanted the best for us.  Some of us have stop blaming our parents for the way we are.  I believe that you need to change the behavior and break that cycle.  I still find myself talking to my son the way my father did and i'm not proud of it.  But I hope someday my son realizes what i did, that I did it to make him a stronger person and because I love him.  I wouldn't be the person I am if it wasn't for my parents.  I'm strong, independent, and not afraid to take the world on if I need to.  I may not have a college education (yet), or make tons of money, but I have common sense to survive in this world.  If society would fail, who would be the ones to survive?

My kids come first in my life and always have.  My parents did the same for us and so on.  What is a total foreigner concept to me is mothers and father who don't put their children first.  I have always had a maternal instinct.  I've know it since I was a teenager.  I always wanted kids, but I was very selfish when I was a teen and had hoped to do the things I wanted before I had kids.  So plans don't always go the way you hope.  But you make the best of it.  I had to grow up fast and learn to survive to care for my child.  I made tons of sacrifices for him and lost out on a lot.  But I wouldn't change that, it's made me who I am.  To pass your child off and make it someone else responsibility and then question why you are belittled by others, is just beyond my comprehention.  Apparently I need a college education to understand why people do these things, cause I really don't get it.  Some people's kids, is a statement I find myself making more and more these days.  Your children are a product of you and how you handle things.  Your child may be the smartest, but if they can not function in the real world, then you obviously did not do your job.  Life is not just about getting your child to college and making them sucessful.  It's about making them sucessful in life.  All aspects of life. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

Happiness

....it's something I haven't had a lot of the last few years.  I believe I have truly found it.  At least I am hopeful I did.  I found someone who loves me for me, despite all my craziness and my insecurities.  That in it self makes me content and happy.  I am more hopeful for the future and going to try to make more of an effort.  Not just give up like I did, thinking I would never find the perfect situation.  I did find the perfect situation, I am the one that isn't perfect.  I'm the one that needed to change my outlook on life and love.  I need to let go and let people into my life despite my fears.  Let someone help me through it and open those lines of communication, so that it doesn't happen again

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Seriously...

To quote a friend "My give a damn is busted"

I just really don't care right now.  Don't care to even do anything.  I am perfectly content to stay at home at this point.  SO tired of dating, tired of dealing with people's issues and the drama.  Only person I can count on is myself.  I am ready to shut my phone off and escape from eveything.  So looking forward to my camping trip next month.  Weekend of relaxing,campfires,and no cell phone.  I need to unplug. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010

here we go again

So two days after I changed my raltionship status on FB, I get a message from a mutal friend asking me to go to a concert with him next Wednesday.  I said sure, why should I sit around feeling sorry for myself.  The next day I get a message from another mutual friend asking me to dinner this past Friday night,  Oh why not.  We did dinner and a movie.  Had a good time.  But again just not feeling it.  What is wrong with me that I need to be so picky?  Part of the problem was I kept thinking, he's not the last one.  Why I torture myself is beyond me.  But seriously, why can't I find a normal guy?  One who isn't all clingy and has co dependency issues.  Isn't it normally the women who are like that?  Ugh.  If I hear this whinny bs again, i'm gonna lose it.  And why can't I find a perfect guy for me.  He doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for me.  A good kisser, makes me laugh, tells me how much he cares, but not 24/7.  Ugh..seriously why can't men grow some balls.  This is getting really old.

I decided I am not jumping into another relationship.  Especially seeing as I am just not finding the right guy.  I tend to jump into it hoping my feelings will change, then they don't and i;m stuck or I just cut and run.  So i;m playing the field.  I had more fun doing that before.  Not attachments, no feelings, no worries.  So much simplier that way. 

Friday, September 10, 2010

heart ache

So for the second time, I have broken my own heart.  Cut and run because it became tough.  Why do I do this?  Part of me feels like if I do it, then it can't be done to me.  Sad really.  I loved someone, which was a surprise even to me.  I'm so thankful to have had that person in my life, to show me it was possible to love again.  But that love scared me.  I don't want to become that person again who's judgement is clouded by my love. 
I had to make a tough decision, that I now regret.  But I still feel it was the right decision for me.  There were dynamics that I had never had to deal with and was unsure of what to do.  I probably blew things out of proportion,looking back it doesn't seem as bad as I thought.  But there are still those uncertainties and questions.  Can I live with those uncertainties? Is it worth continuing when down the road we could be right back here? So that more damage is done and more heart ache is caused.  It's hard to know which way to go anymore. 
I was scared.  Scared of myself. Scared of becoming angry and resentful.  Scared of not knowing what the outcome would be.  The damage is done and even if we tried again, I don't think it will ever be the same as it was.  We will both always question each other,our loyalty,our love, and our future together.  The plans we had, the dreams we had don't look so possibly now.  We will always be trapped in this place of negativity.  Will we ever be able to love each other again,as strongly as we did before?

Friday, September 3, 2010

not myself

Ok so it could be the fact that I missed two of my birth control pills but I just don't feel like myself.  Or at least the person I had been the last few weeks.  I had been so happy almost euphoric that last few weeks.  Now i'm feeling a bit depressed and useless.  I have been questioning a lot of what's been going on the last few weeks and how i'm feeling.  I question the future, if this is the right future.  There are things that I have never dealt with before and that scares me.  Scares me because I don't know if i'm strong enough for it.  I don't want to be the angry resentful person I once was.  But I can't let things pass me by because i'm afraid.  I also don't want to sacrifice things I want because of it.  I wish I could get that happy feeling back, cause if I don't snap out of this soon, it's gonna cause problems.

Monday, August 30, 2010

the future

It's a scary place....But an exciting place.  So many things not known about what it holds.  All I can do anymore is hope for the best and expect the worst.  But thats the problem, I always expect the worst.  I expect people to disappoint me or for the bottom to drop out.  Guess that's what I'm waiting for now.  Yesterday it hit me that this all could fall apart.  And what will I be left with?  More broken promises, more heart ache, and more resentment. 

I recently changed my perspective on a certain life change.  Since as long as I can remember I have always said that I would never get married again.  Not just since my seperation.  I had been saying this for years.  But recently that topic has been of much discussion.  I have made it crystal clear to anyone who comes into my life that this is not up for negotiation.  Of course a certain someone had to test those waters.  But the outcome surprised me,I think the most.  I am open for it.  But if I do it again, I want the big thing.  And I don't mean a huge to do.  But I want to experience all those joys and stresses that are involved.  You only live once and I'm tired of regretting not doing it.  Now thats not to say I'm gonna marry someone just to have that experience.  Absolutely not!  But it needs to be the right person. 

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dating...ughhh

Ugh dating. This was the one thing I was really excited about, getting back into the dating scene after 8 years. Most of my 20's was spent with my ex, so now it was time to live. I was way to optimistic about it. First guy was great....at first. Like many they dazzle you with their words and talking of plans. I was still struggling with a custody agreement for my daughter and my ex was not being very cooperative. So having time alone wasn't always possible. It didn't last long,but left a lasting bad taste.

So I decided to join a datiing site.  Not much luck to begin with.  Met a few people, dated a couple.  But just didn't find that right one.  One was younger, after breaking it off I realized I liked the idea of him more than I liked him.  Next one was more of a really good friend.  I enjoyed spending time with him but again, there wasn't a spark.  I chatted with a few men, at this point I had almost given up.

 So I recieved a "wink" from a self proclaimed geek.  Caught my attention and thought oh why not.  So I winked back, we exchanged emails.  We began im'ing every day.  We learned we had a lot in common.  Not everything but enough to make it interesting.  I believe if two people have everything in common, then it can be boring.  No one is bringing anything new to the table.  We talked on the phone and decided to meet.  The plan was dinner and a movie, if things were going well.  We met at a local italian place.  Had a nice dinner, it helped we were seated pretty well isolated from the rest of the patrons. We joked and talked.  I felt very comfortable, too comfortable.  Which worried me.  I didn't get that spark.  Then again I haven't gotten any spark from anyone.  I was starting to worry that maybe all these years of being neglected in the matters of love, had left me numb.  Just great, so I was doomed to be emotionless and to never have that feeling again.  As this is running thru my mind he makes a comment that almost made me want to leave at that point.  That all my pics on the dating site and Facebook were of neck up.  I mean it was a good point, but hard to take a full body pic when i'm the one taking it on my phone.  I didn't know what to do with this comment.  Was he disappointed or was he being a smart ass.  So I asked him if he was disappointed.  His response was not in the least(by the way he is never living this conversation down....ever).  The rest of the nite I stilled dwelled on that comment.  Yes I realize there has to be some kind of physical attraction between two people and it plays a big role in a relationship.  So we went to the movie.  It was a good date movie.  I of course tried playing hard to get.  Hey if its not a challange then it wouldn't be any fun as I always say.  After the movie, we talked for a couple of hours. Then it was time to part ways.  At this point I still didn't know what to think.  I was hopeful, but still pessimistic. 

He invited me to a gathering at his place the next evening.  I was skeptical, but agreed finally.  I figured why not.  It was nice meeting new people.  Although some of the conversations were a bit over my head, he was very considerate of me and would explain further when needed.  Later in the evening, after everyone had left, we decided to watch a movie.  At this point I was still playing hard to get.  Finally, and I mean finally, He made a move.  And there it was, the spark!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Change

So life has taken a turn since my last post.  My husband and I seperated at the end of March.  He moved out abruptly one night.  Had packed his things while I was at work.  We had a heated conversation on the phone that pretty much was the nail in the coffin.  It was a long time coming.  I stayed (or let him stay) for financial reasons.  I couldn't imagine taking care of two kids on part time job.  But I made it work.  It was hard at first, still is but i've learned to adjust. We do without many luxuries, but its what we have to do.  My Son had the hardest time with that.  My daughter started acting out and throwing temper tantrums.  I had seriously considered taking her to the doctor because they were scary.  Almost as if she were possessed.  I took a few videos of them because my ex did not believe me.  The were pretty violent ones where she would throw herself around.  I learned to put her in a safe place to keep her from hurting herself.  We aren't perfect by any means, but we are doing the best we can.  I just keep reminding my self that I am doing the best I can and that's all I can ask for. 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

To tell the truth

So why is it so hard for some people to tell the truth.  Or is it their interpretation of the truth?

So I have worked with this individual for over a year now.  From the very beginning she has been untrust worthly and disrepsectful.  I have learned to tolerate.  But not wihtout the expense of my sanity.  You can tell when you meet her that she thinks everyone is beneath her.  She is comparably transparant when she speaks to you.  You can tell she is trying so hard to be nice but its almost painful for her.  Many of us stay because we learned to just tolerate it on some level.  Many are not strong enough to endure the humiliation. 

So a new wind of change has come blowing through our little world.  Bringing hope and just a glimce of a better tomorrow.  But it comes with a price, patientence.  Something that is growing very thin.  I realize good things come to those who wait, but I have been waiting for far to long.  So have the rest.  Why is it that someone has been able to snake their way through all this time?  So does she really think we are this nieve or is she really this nieve? 

I know one thing.  It is about freaking time to do something.  I am so tired of listening to the bullshit that comes spewing out of her mouth.  I am so tired of dealing with the stupidity.  So you think by repeating yourself to everyone that it will make us believe you more?  Lady if you have to make us believe you, then you are obviously lying.  How does someone like this still have a job?  Guess what.... If it wasn't for the rest of us you wouldn't have a job.  You would have sunk this ship a long time ago.  You are incapable of doing anything.  You pass all your  responsibilities off on everyone else.  I'm so tired of you not taking responsibility for your actions.  I swear you have caused me to have anxiety attacks and driven me into a deeper depression than I already was in.  If I didn't need this god damn job so badly, I would walk.  I can't stand your fake laugh and your fake ass anymore.  One of us needs to go and I will be first to volunteer when the time comes.  I can't stand your very presence!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Who is to blame?

So I have come to the realization that I blame others for a lot of my problems.  I've really always known I do it, just didn't want to admit it.  A friend told me about an experience she has been going thru and how we create stories for our lives.  And we continue to live in these stories.  Makes sense.  My story for years has to blame my husband for everything that goes wrong in our marriage.  From the beginning I have blamed him.  It was his fault that I couldn;t have a wedding.  Because the demands of people around us became too much for me and he didn't stand up to them and help me.  So this has been replaying in my head for many years.  I don't enjoy going to weddings, watching wedding things on Tv or even looking at a wedding magazine.  Just makes me angry and wants to start again blaming him for all the issues.  Nothing we can do about it now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about what we could've had.  I kept telling my self for years that it's just one day and it's not that important.  Well ya know, it was important to me and that is a time I will never get back. Sure I can live vicariously thru my daughter one day.  I just hope that she listens to me when I tell her to make sure she does what she wants and not what everyone else wants her to do. 

My husband is not the only one I blame for this mess.  There are others.  But he is here and they are not.  So it's easier for me to target the blame on him.  I tried bottling up the emotions and pretending that it didn't bother me or that I was ok with it.  Well I wasn't and I'm still not.  But it is time to let go and move on.  I will never again allow people to manipulate me or the situations.  I will stand up for myself and make my intentions clear so there is no confusion on what I want. 

Monday, March 8, 2010

Wife vs Mother?

Therapy....this is going to be my therapy.  A way for me to vent my frustrations of daily life.  A way to pound my fists and kick and scream like my three year old.  Because of course as adults we can not behave this way.  Well we can, but it's not socially acceptable. 

So the question of Wife vs Mother.  So the lines of Wife and Mother are becoming blurred.  Am I a Wife or Mother?  My question stems from a recent arguement I had with my husband.  I feel like i'm no longer a wife, I feel like just a mother.  Cooking,cleaning, laundring for not just two children, but for three.  The third being my husband.  So do men really want a wife or just an extended version of their mother?  Sick to think about really.  Men wanting a wife who is their mother, who treats them like a son.  But think about it.  Isn't that what we do?  We take care of them like a mother would.  So really where is the line between Wife and Mother? 

Many of the behaviors we have as adults stems from behaviors we viewed growing up.  So what kind of example am I setting for my son?  By doing everything for him and catering to his every need will ultimately teach him that women are there to take care of men?  My mother's generation was expected to continue the tradition of catering to a man's every need, no matter what.  However my mother also taught my brothers to cook and gave them the skills to take care of themselves.  She taught me that it was ok to speak my mind and to be an independent woman.  That I didn't necessarily need a man to feel complete. 

So if men want an extension of their mother, then my father pick the farthest thing from his.  And my husband defintely picked the farthest from his mother.  But why are we still expected to fullfill those requirements of a mother.