I hate being sick!!!

The adventures of being a single mom.  This has been an exhausting week.  Started with my daughter becoming ill,then Halloween festivities, then my son becoming ill.  And in the midst of it, me fighting off a cold as well.  I've managed to suck it up and take lots of medicine to hinder it so that I can spend a relaxing day at the lake with a friend.  Other than those things, it's been very pleasant lately.  No drama and no stress.  It's no secret I don't handle stress well.  My body doesn't handle it well.  But what i'm finding is that relationships cause most of it.  Whether its because I stress myself out over things or because the other person stresses me out.  I've had some great times the last two weeks just spending time with friends.  No attachments, no bullshit to worry about.  I've met some great new people as well and hoping to spend more time with them, but not getting ahead of myself.  I'm enjoying life right now.  Not having to deal wtih someone else's issues is so relieving. 

my Horoscope

This is my Romance horoscope today:
Your energy with romance has been a little confused lately, Sagittarius, and you may be feeling like you are ready to throw in the towel completely. When it comes to your romantic affairs, this is a period where change is likely, but the timing is wrong if you are considering severing ties completely today. Today may simply be a better day for forgiving and forgetting and letting go of petty grievances. To you these grievances seem fairly large, but when you put yourself in the other person's perspective, you will find the clarity you need to simply move on and leave these issues in the past.The time will soon come when you can gracefully do what needs to be done and move onto greener romantic pastures.


Ok so I severed ties recently with a certain person the other day...Not today so close enough i guess.  I am ready to throw in the towel, but every time I do something happens to give me hope.  I am moving on from the situation that occurred and not dwelling on it.  Remarkably I have no feelings towards it.  I'm not sad, i'm not angry, i'm just moving on.  Realizing it's not worth my time or energy cause there is nothing that can be done to change things.  I should have listened to my gut and knew that things would never be better.  It was like we were going around in circles.  If there is this many issues in the beginning of a relationship then there is no point. 

So in moving on I have made some connections.  Not jumping into anything just making some new friends.  Finding out how small of a world it is.  It takes the internet to discover someone who lives, works or plays right near you.  I'm hoping to make some great friendships out of it, can't help but be a bit optimistic about it.  I've also reconnected with some old friendships.  Discovering that I need to be more mindful of the friendships I have and cherish them more.  Not take them for granted.  I tend to put all my attention and energy into a relationship and neglect the other people in my life.  I need to break that habit.  It's not fair to those people and not good for my relationships either.  Need to find a balance between it all.  Hopefully I will be able to learn that now and focus on my friendships and not forget the important people in my life. 

I can breathe

So another relationship down the drain.  Except this time I wanted this to happen.  Funny thing is everything did work out as planned.  Coddling someone and dealing with their issues is exhausting .  I am so glad this is over and done with.  This feeling of being trapped and sufficating is finally gone.  Why I subject myself to this ridiculous behavoir is just unacceptable.  I'm realizing that I am too concerned with the other person's feelings to pay attention to my own.  So worried about hurting them and their suffering to see my own.  I fall hard for people, hoping for the best, ignoring the things that bother me.  But eventually those things creep up and it's just so hard to ignore.  By that time you are so far in that no matter what you do it's gonna hurt.  But it didn't hurt this time.  No this time I couldn't be happier with the outcome.  I will admit that I was a total bitch at the end, and that's exactly the way I wanted it.  It's obvious that I have personal issues I am dealing with but why is it that every man I find has crazy ex's,baby mamma drama, or are just plain crazy.  I know the type of man I want but i think my fear is that it would be too much work.  So I go after the easy ones.  The ones I know that won't betray me.  Because they are too weak.  There is one person in my life that has been there for the last 10 years, always waiting in the wings.  I've not wanted to persue anything for fear that it would ruin our friendship, but maybe thats what I need now more than ever.  Is a great friendship and not a relationship.  I'm gonna take things easy for awhile and do what I said I would do before.  That is just hanging out with people, meeting new people and living life.  Not putting life on hold because someone suddenly comes into it.  I neglect my friends when I have someone in my life and I need to break that habit.  I need to include everyone in my life at all times.  I need to stop making someone else a priority and make me the prority(obvious all after my kids). 

I just don't know

So I just have some random thoughts.  Not a particular subject to blog about.  But maybe once I start typing it will develope into something. 

I do know that I am unbelievably stressed out right now.  About everything.  About money,my kids,my relationship,and my health.  People want to say that money isn't everything, yeah cause those people have money.  The sacrifices that we have had to make have put a lot of stress on me and the kids.  Me mostly because it's hard explaining to my kids why I can't buy them something.  My kids because it's hard for them to understand why.  My son more so than my daughter.  I try not to say that we can't afford this or that, but that we don't choose to spend our money on that.  But he wants more of an explaination than that.  So i've had to be frank with him in saying that I don't have the money to buy that particular item or why we can't go do certain things.  I hate asking people for help and it stresses me out even more to borrow money from people.  Because I know most likely I won't be able to pay them back.  I've had to turn to the local assistance offices for help.  something years ago I vowed I would never do again.  I made sure that I could take care of us without their help. But I was forced into a situation where I had no choice.  My soon to be ex-husband walked out on us and left me with extremely bad debt and a ton of unpaid bills.  All while I was working a part time job.  It took me 4 months to finally get a full time job, and it's still not cutting it.  Now i'm struggling to find a part time job to work as well.  I went from paying about $40 a week in childcare to paying $205 a week.  So the extra hours and pay barely make up for it.  But I needed a career and needed something full time. I also needed to get out of my old job before I went insane, or more than I am.  I want to start taking courses online but can't afford that either.  I'm going to have to pull my kids out of their extra activities because I can't afford that as well.  So any enjoyment my kids have will be completely gone.  So who is gonna get blamed for their unhappiness?  Me!  Not their fathers, who obviously have no idea what it takes to take care of two kids on your own. Me! I will be the one they complain about in therapy because mommy didn't do enough.  Not their fathers, who send them home hungry because they didn't bother giving them dinner,or made them where the same clothes both days, ignored them to play video games all weekend,promised to take them somewhere but then didn't get out of bed till noon so it was too late to go...

I want to be able to do this on my own and not have to rely on someone else.  But it's getting harder and harder to do.  At this point Christmas is not even going to happen unless by some miracle I win the lottery or get some more help.....