Mr Rebates

Mr. Rebates

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I just don't know

So I just have some random thoughts.  Not a particular subject to blog about.  But maybe once I start typing it will develope into something. 

I do know that I am unbelievably stressed out right now.  About everything.  About money,my kids,my relationship,and my health.  People want to say that money isn't everything, yeah cause those people have money.  The sacrifices that we have had to make have put a lot of stress on me and the kids.  Me mostly because it's hard explaining to my kids why I can't buy them something.  My kids because it's hard for them to understand why.  My son more so than my daughter.  I try not to say that we can't afford this or that, but that we don't choose to spend our money on that.  But he wants more of an explaination than that.  So i've had to be frank with him in saying that I don't have the money to buy that particular item or why we can't go do certain things.  I hate asking people for help and it stresses me out even more to borrow money from people.  Because I know most likely I won't be able to pay them back.  I've had to turn to the local assistance offices for help.  something years ago I vowed I would never do again.  I made sure that I could take care of us without their help. But I was forced into a situation where I had no choice.  My soon to be ex-husband walked out on us and left me with extremely bad debt and a ton of unpaid bills.  All while I was working a part time job.  It took me 4 months to finally get a full time job, and it's still not cutting it.  Now i'm struggling to find a part time job to work as well.  I went from paying about $40 a week in childcare to paying $205 a week.  So the extra hours and pay barely make up for it.  But I needed a career and needed something full time. I also needed to get out of my old job before I went insane, or more than I am.  I want to start taking courses online but can't afford that either.  I'm going to have to pull my kids out of their extra activities because I can't afford that as well.  So any enjoyment my kids have will be completely gone.  So who is gonna get blamed for their unhappiness?  Me!  Not their fathers, who obviously have no idea what it takes to take care of two kids on your own. Me! I will be the one they complain about in therapy because mommy didn't do enough.  Not their fathers, who send them home hungry because they didn't bother giving them dinner,or made them where the same clothes both days, ignored them to play video games all weekend,promised to take them somewhere but then didn't get out of bed till noon so it was too late to go...

I want to be able to do this on my own and not have to rely on someone else.  But it's getting harder and harder to do.  At this point Christmas is not even going to happen unless by some miracle I win the lottery or get some more help.....

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