the future

It's a scary place....But an exciting place.  So many things not known about what it holds.  All I can do anymore is hope for the best and expect the worst.  But thats the problem, I always expect the worst.  I expect people to disappoint me or for the bottom to drop out.  Guess that's what I'm waiting for now.  Yesterday it hit me that this all could fall apart.  And what will I be left with?  More broken promises, more heart ache, and more resentment. 

I recently changed my perspective on a certain life change.  Since as long as I can remember I have always said that I would never get married again.  Not just since my seperation.  I had been saying this for years.  But recently that topic has been of much discussion.  I have made it crystal clear to anyone who comes into my life that this is not up for negotiation.  Of course a certain someone had to test those waters.  But the outcome surprised me,I think the most.  I am open for it.  But if I do it again, I want the big thing.  And I don't mean a huge to do.  But I want to experience all those joys and stresses that are involved.  You only live once and I'm tired of regretting not doing it.  Now thats not to say I'm gonna marry someone just to have that experience.  Absolutely not!  But it needs to be the right person. 

Dating...ughhh

Ugh dating. This was the one thing I was really excited about, getting back into the dating scene after 8 years. Most of my 20's was spent with my ex, so now it was time to live. I was way to optimistic about it. First guy was great....at first. Like many they dazzle you with their words and talking of plans. I was still struggling with a custody agreement for my daughter and my ex was not being very cooperative. So having time alone wasn't always possible. It didn't last long,but left a lasting bad taste.

So I decided to join a datiing site.  Not much luck to begin with.  Met a few people, dated a couple.  But just didn't find that right one.  One was younger, after breaking it off I realized I liked the idea of him more than I liked him.  Next one was more of a really good friend.  I enjoyed spending time with him but again, there wasn't a spark.  I chatted with a few men, at this point I had almost given up.

 So I recieved a "wink" from a self proclaimed geek.  Caught my attention and thought oh why not.  So I winked back, we exchanged emails.  We began im'ing every day.  We learned we had a lot in common.  Not everything but enough to make it interesting.  I believe if two people have everything in common, then it can be boring.  No one is bringing anything new to the table.  We talked on the phone and decided to meet.  The plan was dinner and a movie, if things were going well.  We met at a local italian place.  Had a nice dinner, it helped we were seated pretty well isolated from the rest of the patrons. We joked and talked.  I felt very comfortable, too comfortable.  Which worried me.  I didn't get that spark.  Then again I haven't gotten any spark from anyone.  I was starting to worry that maybe all these years of being neglected in the matters of love, had left me numb.  Just great, so I was doomed to be emotionless and to never have that feeling again.  As this is running thru my mind he makes a comment that almost made me want to leave at that point.  That all my pics on the dating site and Facebook were of neck up.  I mean it was a good point, but hard to take a full body pic when i'm the one taking it on my phone.  I didn't know what to do with this comment.  Was he disappointed or was he being a smart ass.  So I asked him if he was disappointed.  His response was not in the least(by the way he is never living this conversation down....ever).  The rest of the nite I stilled dwelled on that comment.  Yes I realize there has to be some kind of physical attraction between two people and it plays a big role in a relationship.  So we went to the movie.  It was a good date movie.  I of course tried playing hard to get.  Hey if its not a challange then it wouldn't be any fun as I always say.  After the movie, we talked for a couple of hours. Then it was time to part ways.  At this point I still didn't know what to think.  I was hopeful, but still pessimistic. 

He invited me to a gathering at his place the next evening.  I was skeptical, but agreed finally.  I figured why not.  It was nice meeting new people.  Although some of the conversations were a bit over my head, he was very considerate of me and would explain further when needed.  Later in the evening, after everyone had left, we decided to watch a movie.  At this point I was still playing hard to get.  Finally, and I mean finally, He made a move.  And there it was, the spark!

Change

So life has taken a turn since my last post.  My husband and I seperated at the end of March.  He moved out abruptly one night.  Had packed his things while I was at work.  We had a heated conversation on the phone that pretty much was the nail in the coffin.  It was a long time coming.  I stayed (or let him stay) for financial reasons.  I couldn't imagine taking care of two kids on part time job.  But I made it work.  It was hard at first, still is but i've learned to adjust. We do without many luxuries, but its what we have to do.  My Son had the hardest time with that.  My daughter started acting out and throwing temper tantrums.  I had seriously considered taking her to the doctor because they were scary.  Almost as if she were possessed.  I took a few videos of them because my ex did not believe me.  The were pretty violent ones where she would throw herself around.  I learned to put her in a safe place to keep her from hurting herself.  We aren't perfect by any means, but we are doing the best we can.  I just keep reminding my self that I am doing the best I can and that's all I can ask for.