Some people's kids...

I heard my father make this comment all through my teenage years.  My father was good a blaming parents for the issues with their children.  He obviously didn't see what was going on in front of him.  My parents weren't perfect and despite the way my father did things, we knew he did it because he loved us and wanted the best for us.  Some of us have stop blaming our parents for the way we are.  I believe that you need to change the behavior and break that cycle.  I still find myself talking to my son the way my father did and i'm not proud of it.  But I hope someday my son realizes what i did, that I did it to make him a stronger person and because I love him.  I wouldn't be the person I am if it wasn't for my parents.  I'm strong, independent, and not afraid to take the world on if I need to.  I may not have a college education (yet), or make tons of money, but I have common sense to survive in this world.  If society would fail, who would be the ones to survive?

My kids come first in my life and always have.  My parents did the same for us and so on.  What is a total foreigner concept to me is mothers and father who don't put their children first.  I have always had a maternal instinct.  I've know it since I was a teenager.  I always wanted kids, but I was very selfish when I was a teen and had hoped to do the things I wanted before I had kids.  So plans don't always go the way you hope.  But you make the best of it.  I had to grow up fast and learn to survive to care for my child.  I made tons of sacrifices for him and lost out on a lot.  But I wouldn't change that, it's made me who I am.  To pass your child off and make it someone else responsibility and then question why you are belittled by others, is just beyond my comprehention.  Apparently I need a college education to understand why people do these things, cause I really don't get it.  Some people's kids, is a statement I find myself making more and more these days.  Your children are a product of you and how you handle things.  Your child may be the smartest, but if they can not function in the real world, then you obviously did not do your job.  Life is not just about getting your child to college and making them sucessful.  It's about making them sucessful in life.  All aspects of life. 

Happiness

....it's something I haven't had a lot of the last few years.  I believe I have truly found it.  At least I am hopeful I did.  I found someone who loves me for me, despite all my craziness and my insecurities.  That in it self makes me content and happy.  I am more hopeful for the future and going to try to make more of an effort.  Not just give up like I did, thinking I would never find the perfect situation.  I did find the perfect situation, I am the one that isn't perfect.  I'm the one that needed to change my outlook on life and love.  I need to let go and let people into my life despite my fears.  Let someone help me through it and open those lines of communication, so that it doesn't happen again

Seriously...

To quote a friend "My give a damn is busted"

I just really don't care right now.  Don't care to even do anything.  I am perfectly content to stay at home at this point.  SO tired of dating, tired of dealing with people's issues and the drama.  Only person I can count on is myself.  I am ready to shut my phone off and escape from eveything.  So looking forward to my camping trip next month.  Weekend of relaxing,campfires,and no cell phone.  I need to unplug. 

here we go again

So two days after I changed my raltionship status on FB, I get a message from a mutal friend asking me to go to a concert with him next Wednesday.  I said sure, why should I sit around feeling sorry for myself.  The next day I get a message from another mutual friend asking me to dinner this past Friday night,  Oh why not.  We did dinner and a movie.  Had a good time.  But again just not feeling it.  What is wrong with me that I need to be so picky?  Part of the problem was I kept thinking, he's not the last one.  Why I torture myself is beyond me.  But seriously, why can't I find a normal guy?  One who isn't all clingy and has co dependency issues.  Isn't it normally the women who are like that?  Ugh.  If I hear this whinny bs again, i'm gonna lose it.  And why can't I find a perfect guy for me.  He doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for me.  A good kisser, makes me laugh, tells me how much he cares, but not 24/7.  Ugh..seriously why can't men grow some balls.  This is getting really old.

I decided I am not jumping into another relationship.  Especially seeing as I am just not finding the right guy.  I tend to jump into it hoping my feelings will change, then they don't and i;m stuck or I just cut and run.  So i;m playing the field.  I had more fun doing that before.  Not attachments, no feelings, no worries.  So much simplier that way. 

heart ache

So for the second time, I have broken my own heart.  Cut and run because it became tough.  Why do I do this?  Part of me feels like if I do it, then it can't be done to me.  Sad really.  I loved someone, which was a surprise even to me.  I'm so thankful to have had that person in my life, to show me it was possible to love again.  But that love scared me.  I don't want to become that person again who's judgement is clouded by my love. 
I had to make a tough decision, that I now regret.  But I still feel it was the right decision for me.  There were dynamics that I had never had to deal with and was unsure of what to do.  I probably blew things out of proportion,looking back it doesn't seem as bad as I thought.  But there are still those uncertainties and questions.  Can I live with those uncertainties? Is it worth continuing when down the road we could be right back here? So that more damage is done and more heart ache is caused.  It's hard to know which way to go anymore. 
I was scared.  Scared of myself. Scared of becoming angry and resentful.  Scared of not knowing what the outcome would be.  The damage is done and even if we tried again, I don't think it will ever be the same as it was.  We will both always question each other,our loyalty,our love, and our future together.  The plans we had, the dreams we had don't look so possibly now.  We will always be trapped in this place of negativity.  Will we ever be able to love each other again,as strongly as we did before?

not myself

Ok so it could be the fact that I missed two of my birth control pills but I just don't feel like myself.  Or at least the person I had been the last few weeks.  I had been so happy almost euphoric that last few weeks.  Now i'm feeling a bit depressed and useless.  I have been questioning a lot of what's been going on the last few weeks and how i'm feeling.  I question the future, if this is the right future.  There are things that I have never dealt with before and that scares me.  Scares me because I don't know if i'm strong enough for it.  I don't want to be the angry resentful person I once was.  But I can't let things pass me by because i'm afraid.  I also don't want to sacrifice things I want because of it.  I wish I could get that happy feeling back, cause if I don't snap out of this soon, it's gonna cause problems.