So I have come to the realization that I blame others for a lot of my problems. I've really always known I do it, just didn't want to admit it. A friend told me about an experience she has been going thru and how we create stories for our lives. And we continue to live in these stories. Makes sense. My story for years has to blame my husband for everything that goes wrong in our marriage. From the beginning I have blamed him. It was his fault that I couldn;t have a wedding. Because the demands of people around us became too much for me and he didn't stand up to them and help me. So this has been replaying in my head for many years. I don't enjoy going to weddings, watching wedding things on Tv or even looking at a wedding magazine. Just makes me angry and wants to start again blaming him for all the issues. Nothing we can do about it now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about what we could've had. I kept telling my self for years that it's just one day and it's not that important. Well ya know, it was important to me and that is a time I will never get back. Sure I can live vicariously thru my daughter one day. I just hope that she listens to me when I tell her to make sure she does what she wants and not what everyone else wants her to do.
My husband is not the only one I blame for this mess. There are others. But he is here and they are not. So it's easier for me to target the blame on him. I tried bottling up the emotions and pretending that it didn't bother me or that I was ok with it. Well I wasn't and I'm still not. But it is time to let go and move on. I will never again allow people to manipulate me or the situations. I will stand up for myself and make my intentions clear so there is no confusion on what I want.
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