the future

It's a scary place....But an exciting place.  So many things not known about what it holds.  All I can do anymore is hope for the best and expect the worst.  But thats the problem, I always expect the worst.  I expect people to disappoint me or for the bottom to drop out.  Guess that's what I'm waiting for now.  Yesterday it hit me that this all could fall apart.  And what will I be left with?  More broken promises, more heart ache, and more resentment. 

I recently changed my perspective on a certain life change.  Since as long as I can remember I have always said that I would never get married again.  Not just since my seperation.  I had been saying this for years.  But recently that topic has been of much discussion.  I have made it crystal clear to anyone who comes into my life that this is not up for negotiation.  Of course a certain someone had to test those waters.  But the outcome surprised me,I think the most.  I am open for it.  But if I do it again, I want the big thing.  And I don't mean a huge to do.  But I want to experience all those joys and stresses that are involved.  You only live once and I'm tired of regretting not doing it.  Now thats not to say I'm gonna marry someone just to have that experience.  Absolutely not!  But it needs to be the right person. 

Dating...ughhh

Ugh dating. This was the one thing I was really excited about, getting back into the dating scene after 8 years. Most of my 20's was spent with my ex, so now it was time to live. I was way to optimistic about it. First guy was great....at first. Like many they dazzle you with their words and talking of plans. I was still struggling with a custody agreement for my daughter and my ex was not being very cooperative. So having time alone wasn't always possible. It didn't last long,but left a lasting bad taste.

So I decided to join a datiing site.  Not much luck to begin with.  Met a few people, dated a couple.  But just didn't find that right one.  One was younger, after breaking it off I realized I liked the idea of him more than I liked him.  Next one was more of a really good friend.  I enjoyed spending time with him but again, there wasn't a spark.  I chatted with a few men, at this point I had almost given up.

 So I recieved a "wink" from a self proclaimed geek.  Caught my attention and thought oh why not.  So I winked back, we exchanged emails.  We began im'ing every day.  We learned we had a lot in common.  Not everything but enough to make it interesting.  I believe if two people have everything in common, then it can be boring.  No one is bringing anything new to the table.  We talked on the phone and decided to meet.  The plan was dinner and a movie, if things were going well.  We met at a local italian place.  Had a nice dinner, it helped we were seated pretty well isolated from the rest of the patrons. We joked and talked.  I felt very comfortable, too comfortable.  Which worried me.  I didn't get that spark.  Then again I haven't gotten any spark from anyone.  I was starting to worry that maybe all these years of being neglected in the matters of love, had left me numb.  Just great, so I was doomed to be emotionless and to never have that feeling again.  As this is running thru my mind he makes a comment that almost made me want to leave at that point.  That all my pics on the dating site and Facebook were of neck up.  I mean it was a good point, but hard to take a full body pic when i'm the one taking it on my phone.  I didn't know what to do with this comment.  Was he disappointed or was he being a smart ass.  So I asked him if he was disappointed.  His response was not in the least(by the way he is never living this conversation down....ever).  The rest of the nite I stilled dwelled on that comment.  Yes I realize there has to be some kind of physical attraction between two people and it plays a big role in a relationship.  So we went to the movie.  It was a good date movie.  I of course tried playing hard to get.  Hey if its not a challange then it wouldn't be any fun as I always say.  After the movie, we talked for a couple of hours. Then it was time to part ways.  At this point I still didn't know what to think.  I was hopeful, but still pessimistic. 

He invited me to a gathering at his place the next evening.  I was skeptical, but agreed finally.  I figured why not.  It was nice meeting new people.  Although some of the conversations were a bit over my head, he was very considerate of me and would explain further when needed.  Later in the evening, after everyone had left, we decided to watch a movie.  At this point I was still playing hard to get.  Finally, and I mean finally, He made a move.  And there it was, the spark!

Change

So life has taken a turn since my last post.  My husband and I seperated at the end of March.  He moved out abruptly one night.  Had packed his things while I was at work.  We had a heated conversation on the phone that pretty much was the nail in the coffin.  It was a long time coming.  I stayed (or let him stay) for financial reasons.  I couldn't imagine taking care of two kids on part time job.  But I made it work.  It was hard at first, still is but i've learned to adjust. We do without many luxuries, but its what we have to do.  My Son had the hardest time with that.  My daughter started acting out and throwing temper tantrums.  I had seriously considered taking her to the doctor because they were scary.  Almost as if she were possessed.  I took a few videos of them because my ex did not believe me.  The were pretty violent ones where she would throw herself around.  I learned to put her in a safe place to keep her from hurting herself.  We aren't perfect by any means, but we are doing the best we can.  I just keep reminding my self that I am doing the best I can and that's all I can ask for. 

To tell the truth

So why is it so hard for some people to tell the truth.  Or is it their interpretation of the truth?

So I have worked with this individual for over a year now.  From the very beginning she has been untrust worthly and disrepsectful.  I have learned to tolerate.  But not wihtout the expense of my sanity.  You can tell when you meet her that she thinks everyone is beneath her.  She is comparably transparant when she speaks to you.  You can tell she is trying so hard to be nice but its almost painful for her.  Many of us stay because we learned to just tolerate it on some level.  Many are not strong enough to endure the humiliation. 

So a new wind of change has come blowing through our little world.  Bringing hope and just a glimce of a better tomorrow.  But it comes with a price, patientence.  Something that is growing very thin.  I realize good things come to those who wait, but I have been waiting for far to long.  So have the rest.  Why is it that someone has been able to snake their way through all this time?  So does she really think we are this nieve or is she really this nieve? 

I know one thing.  It is about freaking time to do something.  I am so tired of listening to the bullshit that comes spewing out of her mouth.  I am so tired of dealing with the stupidity.  So you think by repeating yourself to everyone that it will make us believe you more?  Lady if you have to make us believe you, then you are obviously lying.  How does someone like this still have a job?  Guess what.... If it wasn't for the rest of us you wouldn't have a job.  You would have sunk this ship a long time ago.  You are incapable of doing anything.  You pass all your  responsibilities off on everyone else.  I'm so tired of you not taking responsibility for your actions.  I swear you have caused me to have anxiety attacks and driven me into a deeper depression than I already was in.  If I didn't need this god damn job so badly, I would walk.  I can't stand your fake laugh and your fake ass anymore.  One of us needs to go and I will be first to volunteer when the time comes.  I can't stand your very presence!

Who is to blame?

So I have come to the realization that I blame others for a lot of my problems.  I've really always known I do it, just didn't want to admit it.  A friend told me about an experience she has been going thru and how we create stories for our lives.  And we continue to live in these stories.  Makes sense.  My story for years has to blame my husband for everything that goes wrong in our marriage.  From the beginning I have blamed him.  It was his fault that I couldn;t have a wedding.  Because the demands of people around us became too much for me and he didn't stand up to them and help me.  So this has been replaying in my head for many years.  I don't enjoy going to weddings, watching wedding things on Tv or even looking at a wedding magazine.  Just makes me angry and wants to start again blaming him for all the issues.  Nothing we can do about it now, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about what we could've had.  I kept telling my self for years that it's just one day and it's not that important.  Well ya know, it was important to me and that is a time I will never get back. Sure I can live vicariously thru my daughter one day.  I just hope that she listens to me when I tell her to make sure she does what she wants and not what everyone else wants her to do. 

My husband is not the only one I blame for this mess.  There are others.  But he is here and they are not.  So it's easier for me to target the blame on him.  I tried bottling up the emotions and pretending that it didn't bother me or that I was ok with it.  Well I wasn't and I'm still not.  But it is time to let go and move on.  I will never again allow people to manipulate me or the situations.  I will stand up for myself and make my intentions clear so there is no confusion on what I want. 

Wife vs Mother?

Therapy....this is going to be my therapy.  A way for me to vent my frustrations of daily life.  A way to pound my fists and kick and scream like my three year old.  Because of course as adults we can not behave this way.  Well we can, but it's not socially acceptable. 

So the question of Wife vs Mother.  So the lines of Wife and Mother are becoming blurred.  Am I a Wife or Mother?  My question stems from a recent arguement I had with my husband.  I feel like i'm no longer a wife, I feel like just a mother.  Cooking,cleaning, laundring for not just two children, but for three.  The third being my husband.  So do men really want a wife or just an extended version of their mother?  Sick to think about really.  Men wanting a wife who is their mother, who treats them like a son.  But think about it.  Isn't that what we do?  We take care of them like a mother would.  So really where is the line between Wife and Mother? 

Many of the behaviors we have as adults stems from behaviors we viewed growing up.  So what kind of example am I setting for my son?  By doing everything for him and catering to his every need will ultimately teach him that women are there to take care of men?  My mother's generation was expected to continue the tradition of catering to a man's every need, no matter what.  However my mother also taught my brothers to cook and gave them the skills to take care of themselves.  She taught me that it was ok to speak my mind and to be an independent woman.  That I didn't necessarily need a man to feel complete. 

So if men want an extension of their mother, then my father pick the farthest thing from his.  And my husband defintely picked the farthest from his mother.  But why are we still expected to fullfill those requirements of a mother.